Well, it's been awhile and I feel like I've let things slide. It must be because it's February. Even though it's the shortest month of the year, it does seem to drag when the weather is so rainy, cold and even snowy for brief periods. January is busy with birthdays, and while I looked forward to the break I guess it was too much of the same, and I found it to be a fairly introspective time with a few sleepless nights.The sun is shining today, and I must admit that it's light does much to lift the spirits... even compelling me to bake with Nora.
 |
| A glimpse of Spring... the new life that represents our Hope |
I've been busy doing typical post-Christmas things like organizing files, clothes and any other piles of junk that I can find. Some areas haven't been touched for 2+ years, with having started to work and then the whirlwind of life that came with adopting Nora. I spent Valentine's Day by reviewing the multiple binders I had amassed over the adoption process that spanned over 6 years, counting up to the time of the one year post-placement report. Last week, I applied for Nora's Canadian passport just for my own piece of mind... I should not need to do any paperwork for a long time. I shouldn't have to explain to another government official that I can't tell you where exactly my daughter was born because she was abandoned. Yes, I know China is a big country... but I digress. With that done, I was able to put those four binders away in a special storage container and regain space on my bedroom dresser. I still have two active binders on: 1.Growth and development/speech therapy and 2. Chinese culture/adoption support/emails and articles on China adoptions and Nora's specific orphanage. But that's okay, that's parenting, and specific to Nora's life. In reviewing those binders, I see how much of my life was invested in her adoption for so long, and I can't imagine doing it again. Once more, I'm thankful I didn't know how much emotional time and energy that would take just to meet her. Was it worth it? Of course. How could I not know that when she was the only child on Valentine's day to overwhelm me with her requests for hugs and kisses. I feel so undeserving at times. To see her carry around her little Valentine day's card from her cousins in her pocket. She even pulled it out on cue during Children's Time at church... "What's in your pocket, Nora?" A sweet moment for everyone.This little one is full of love to give, and we've been blessed to have her in our family to receive it. Lately, she enjoys telling us that her kisses are "wet". We'll work on that...
 |
| A snapshot James took... a future employee? |
Nora
is a busy girl, which sometimes I feel I'm too old for. But then I see the flip side of this interesting stage of my life. She keeps me distracted at times from the challenges of my older boys. We have our moments of tension and conflict, where I can see that it's hard for me to let go of my "leash". I feel hurt by their disrespect and of being shut out, and I wonder what did I do wrong? There come the sleepless nights, but in the midst of the silent treatments Nora is there, clueless to who's on the "outs" with whom, and she demands to be taken care of. She is literally in your face no matter what. And so life goes on, because little ones have needs and we all take care of her. She is our common ground of connecting over her antics, or in commiserating together about the latest screaming tantrum. Despite the fatigue Scott and I experience, without her here our lives would be lacking a certain level of joy, and I feel I would be more obsessed with the negativity of males who don't communicate, don't perceive, don't help etc.. (Insert scream here!)
I feel thankful that the younger boys are generally more stable in their behaviours right now, but I know that will change someday soon. I've already seen that transformation twice and know it's inevitable. Hopefully as that happens, the older ones will be on the boomerang curve of sanity and of speaking normally to their parents. :)
I apologize if this comes across as depressing, but to me it's a reality of parenting teens. It's why I struggle not to come across as cynical when I speak with new parents. It's so hard to imagine your precious new angel ever telling you that you're stupid or asking you what your problem is just because you're waking them up. Older parents know what I mean, and so perhaps this is why the annoying phrase is often quoted to new Moms... "Enjoy every day with your child, as they grow up so fast." Trust me, it's okay
not to enjoy every day... to even wish for the day when they've moved out! :) My present struggle is to not let them wear me down yet not to give up in shaping their character, as I need to stay positive and energized in this parenting role for the next 16 years still! God continues to be my Strength, my Guide, my Hope. He knows them better than I ever will, and I pray for His eyes and words to be the Mom my children need. Thanks for "listening".
No comments:
Post a Comment