Mother's Day

Today was one of those monumental days where I couldn't help but reflect on the past 4 years, of how I'd been waiting to have Nora with me as my daughter. As a mother of four my mind would tell me that I didn't have the right to feel it, yet my heart would have a sense of sadness as the years passed. Last year was more hopeful as I knew we were getting closer to referral. So you'd think this year I would be bouncing off the ceiling. (Reclining on the couch is more my style...)

Well, I am deeply grateful to have our daughter home, but as I shared with my sister this evening on the phone, motherhood the "second" decade around is a little more challenging. Unfortunately life is a little too busy sometimes, and my perspective is somewhat more cynical about parenting as I can see my mistakes walking around in front of me. :) I can no longer be the idealistic new parent that I was many years ago, as my energy level is lower, the time constraints of each day are more demanding and I just can't do it all. I know now that I'm not a perfect parent, so I cannot demand perfection of my children. Sounds kind of depressing, but in my new stage of  "realistic" parenting I am definitely more relaxed, mostly out of necessity. The bathrooms stay dirty for weeks, and the weeds grow unchecked. I feel less compelled to have to do everything that all the other parents do, realizing that most things aren't such a big deal as we think. I opt for flexibility, I choose to enjoy the small things, I give up control in some areas. Not that this is ideal, but it's working for me. Nora won't know any differently, and when it's just her and I, I can almost imagine that there's just two of us... that I could be that amazing mother. But then reality hits afterschool! :) (And please don't take this post as one where I'm feeling sorry for myself...) I am once again reminded that I need God's guidance each day to be worthy of this calling. Time just goes too quickly. 

I wondered tonight if there is such an occasion as Mother's Day in China? Part of me hopes that there isn't, as I wouldn't want Nora's birthmother to have such a time to consider once again the choice, or lack of, that she had made with not raising Nora herself. I have no knowledge of her, so I can only surmise feelings, motivations, and the enormity of her pressures. I hold no judgement, no resentment, and can't comprehend the difficulty of her sacrifice then and even today. I only know that each Mother's Day, she will be especially close to my thoughts, making this day a little bittersweet for me, and likely for Nora in the future. These are my thoughts this evening... I thank you for your indulgence, and truly wish that you've known appreciation today for all the little ones in your life that you influence.

 

What My Daughter Reveals...

I see joy in her dimpled smile, perfect beauty in her face.

I see intelligence in her soft brown eyes, curiosity leading her step by step.

I hear happiness in her laughter, as she chases me around the kitchen.

I hear her off-key singing, "La la la", as she sways to distant music.

I feel affection in her spontaneous hugs, as she lays her head on my chest.
I feel gentleness as she strokes my arm and so tenderly says "Ma-ma".

I am enveloped by her trusting gaze, as she has learned to let me feed her.

I am humbled as she imitates my every new action, never missing a beat.

I feel loved, undeservedly at times,
 amazed that I should be so freely given Nora's heart.
I feel overwhelmed by this gift of motherhood once again,
 birthed in a most unfamiliar way.

I cannot forget that I have benefited from another woman's pain,

 my heart increasing in fullness as her grief may diminish over time.

She, the unknown woman who is subtly revealing herself
 in this charming girl before me.
Though unseen, there is a third person with us in my mind.
If I saw her eyes, would I recognize her immediately
 after daily searching the soul of those same beautiful eyes?
I wonder if she'll ever know how much I'm thankful?

May she feel my gratitude across the ocean to her heart.

To know that her daughter,

                      my daughter,
                      our daughter...
Is safe, is honoured, is loved.
Peace I pray for you.